That’s exactly what Steve thought as he threw things into high gear. This was the final round and in this sort of race there’s no silver medal for finishing second. No, there’s a bullet.
And it kills you.
SLAM. BAM. BANG.
That ought to hold them back for a while. Three of Pop’s men hit the ground, dead.
Steve Jackson replaced his browning 9MM in its holster and took a swinging leap across the canyon. You have to die of something, but if you can help it, one should try to look good while doing it.
A crash landing to be sure, but you couldn’t ask for a more graceful one. Jackson took it with a roll, taking out Lennie in the process. Thrown off all of his balance, Lennie hit the ground pretty hard.
Before anyone could protest, Action Jackson grabbed Lennie by the neck and for lack of a better word, tore it out.
They were on him in an instant, but Steve was like lightning and twice as strong. Using Buddy’s own strength as a weapon, Jackson relieved him of his legs. Next up was Jody, who had already managed to get two strong, hard thrusts in on Steve’s jugular. Of course, this Only serving to awaken the inner beast at the heart of our noble hero. Using ancient skills, Steve proceeded to make quick work out of the whole thing. A wet death for Jody. A broken thumb for Steve.
His throat ached. Pain in the vein.
In a sudden haze, his thoughts went back to her. The warm ooze of nostalgia spilled over him. And then there was the sweet scent of her body as if she was already there.
It was too late. He had fallen back. Back in time.
And there they were. Her nipples. Hard and youthful.
May have fucked up last night while being stupid, but we’ll see. Stupid Cage.
And now an apology and correction for some incorrect information supplied in now classic post “Who Poops the Poopmen?”
Also I’ve been informed that John Cale was the one singing Hallelujah in Shrek. But Rufus Wainwright is on the soundtrack or something. So that gaffe pretty much puts everything else that I’ve done on here into serious doubt.
You the viewing public can in no way trust any of my dubious claims. Having just revealed the complete lack of research and editorial oversight that goes on over here, I should perhaps just shrivel up and cry.
I would apologize, but I can see no point in doing this since I have already destroyed any and all faith that you have in me and I supposed that this would include any real faith in my attempt at an apology.
Well Whatever I guess I’m just not cut out for this after all. I should have listened to you in the first place. Next stop ? Alaska.
Oh well. Hell’s Bells. I woke up today and that must have been half the problem.
They’re rioting in the streets of London and Zach Snyder is finally returning my calls in regards to the re-make of Star Wars…the film.
But First a “blast” from the past and we’re not talking Fraser:
Master of Disaster Renny Harlin is back and he is in complete control. Of his craft that is. Crashing through my thinly veiled sanity only just last night with the chock-a-block schlockblaster that was/is 12 Rounds, Starring WWE (World Wrestling Entertainment) Entertainment star, “John Cena.”
Fast paced New Orleans set actioner follows some guy (cop) named Danny (Cena) who a year ago (i.e. overlong prologue) accidentally created the events leading up to and including the death a Meghan Fox doppleganger. His fateful actions involve the pushing of a motorboat into a car. Perhaps the first overt Homage in the film. Here paying respect to seldom seen B-movie Predator.* This is of course where the plot comes in. Kind of like the single moment that changes the rest of your life motif only previously introduced in now seminal art film Miss March, the doppleganger’s death proceeds to lead Danny into a whole storm of shit, but not untill a year later.
All because Miss Fox’s Doppleclone was boning the bad guy.
His name? Miles Jackson, a vaguely Irish “Face of death”(?) type. You see a year later, he’s broken out of jail and he’s pissed off, understandably over the death of the love of his life. Of course in now Predictable Cena motif,** Miles kidnaps and ENDANGERS the life of Cena’s (Danny’s) girlfriend (wife?) some blondie.
But now things are about to get interesting because very soon Renny Harlin begins his all out assault on the action films of the 1990s. The ones they wouldn’t let him forget. The title of the film refers to a game that Barely Irish (legal?) Miles plays with Danny (boy) {Cena}. Miles has arranged for a shit ton (12) of games for Miles to play all around New Orleans. Many of which involve puzzles (dumb things) and the diffusing of bombs. Saving of lives. Prevention of Collateral Damage. Everytime A round is completed Cena manages to keep his wife alive a little longer.
Hmmm? Hmmm? We’ve seen this before. Hint Hint Hint. Cena even has a black cop buddy. (Albeit not a very funny or angry one. No just a really nice brave one, who’s going to die sooner but in this film rather later than usual.)
We’re looking at a Die Hard With a Vengeance. All I can say is thank god, John McClane didn’t have to deal with all this cell phone bullshit and got to race to public payphones and all of that excitement.
And of course in the end Miles really doesn’t care about revenge. He’s in it for the money. As shown in a series of last act flashbacks (It was tough to tell if they were flashbacks. I mean they were in a different stock, but they seemed like they could have been going on at the same time as the present.) Miles attempts to steal a shitload of money from some U.S. treasury, totally taking advantage of Katrina or something by breaking into a temporary (extremely ornate and well-built) treasury storage center. Everything else was just a distraction. Now c’mon that’s the whole Die Hard playbook.
I mean he wasn’t nearly as Irish as Sean Bean to be doing this whole thing based on revenge. Although he does sing “Danny Boy” on the phone at one point. I’m convinced that that’s the only reason Cena’s character was named Danny.
So I guess it’s kind of like Renny gets to shoot one back at Mctiernan who got to finish off the Die Hard trilogy after Renny only got one shot. But Renny doesn’t stop there. He bastardizes Speed. Going so far as to strap some explosives to Sandra..Blondie while she’s on a bus and strapping Cena to the bus itself.
Later they steal a runaway trolley from The Rock but Cena suddenly becomes Spider-man 2 in order to stop it from running away.
But I think he fails… because it crashes although noone really dies and some fat black dude who was sleeping wakes up. Kind of like the happy fat black dude on the trolley in Bay’s film who suddenly and inexplicably becomes angry when his trolley crashes and blows up.
Also an elevator scene is definately ripping something off. (Speed?)
Plus Renny must have gotten a lot of left-over ferry stock footage from Tony Scott’s Deja Vu. And possibly some unexposed rolls of film. That could explain the random and alienating Scott-esque Cena Double Exposures.
But you know I could have done a lot worse.
I wanted something dumb and Cena has this dumb but earnest and believable morality about him. And I wouldn’t say that he has charisma, but he definately has a presence on screen. He kind of reminds me of one of Jack Kirby’s bulkier characters. Even the blocky features of his face are Kirby-esque.
So you know it was a good close to a really long day. Don’t worry about it. Things are gonna work out.
*(See THE MARINE)
No apologies for Typos. No editing was done on this post.
